Now with 15% More Bullsh*t!

I’m concerned about the manufacturers of beauty products. I’m worried they have completely broken ties with reality and the fancy their products capable of inducing the same state in their consumers.

Confused? Let’s press on.

I was mild-manneredly applying hand lotion at my desk today when I happened to flip the bottle around and read the description. I expected it to be something like … oh, say … “Hand Lotion Inside” or some other straightforward explanation befitting a product as simple as goop that de-scratchifies your palms.

Nay, dear readers. My sassy bottle of lotion, produced by a company who shall remain nameless, carried this little inscription:

“The scent of violets mingling with sweet pea petals is heaven on earth, and the inspiration for this delicate fragrance.”

“Heaven on earth,” you say? I was equally perplexed. I waited patiently to be transported Upstairs by my dab of peachy-pink goo, but to no avail. I was similarly disturbed by the thought of violets and sweet pea petals “mingling.” Made me rather uncomfortable.

Prodded on by this distressing discovery, I examined several other products that many of us probably have sitting on our bathroom vanities, dangling in our shower caddies, and perhaps nestled in tissue paper and a fetching gift bag awaiting Aunt Mildred’s birthday. I am here to report that beauty product marketers are crazy and their copywriters are feeding us B.S. by the pot-, tube-, and tubful. Observe:

The Perfume
“Stylish and lively, with a distinctive personality, this fragrance takes you on a journey through the pleasures and flavors of your childhood with a playful blend of vanilla and caramel.”

I think I prefer my eau de toilette without a snappy personality. I have enough trouble narrowing down my shoe choices, and I need no more opinions to muck everything up. Additionally, the flavors of my childhood bring to mind things like fishsticks and crayons, so no thank you there as well.

The Shower Gel
“Inspires your soul to sing with you in the shower. It’s sunshine in a bottle with a scent that is too uplifting for words. If you’ve been searching for an instant mood enhancer, look no further than our new signature scent shower gel.”

This one’s almost too intense to critique, but … hold the phone – “instant mood enhancer”? They’re selling foaming, liquid Paxil now?! Get Barton and Olsen on the horn immediately, because this is a million dollar opportunity. And Lohan, stop hocking ProActiv, for God’s sake, and jump on this band wagon tout suite, before Ritchie’s emaciated ass gets there first!

The ‘Nother Lotion
“Pink lotus petals enveloped by a golden piece of precious amber. Seductive. Rich. Beautiful.”

Let’s see here – petals … enveloped … by amber. Am I reading that right? So … a geode, essentially? So … chunky lotion. Uh huh. Furthermore, we’re all still aware that amber is hardened tree sap? We are? Oh …