Snoozefest 2006

So, MTV’s Video Music Awards were on last night. And may I just say ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

How boring. How utterly, utterly boring.

Jack Black? Yawn. Jessica Simpson? Dumb as ever and twice as tedious. And the Raconteurs were out of tune most of the night.

I don't know about you guys, but I like my Paris Hiltons so wasted they can't speak and my Lil' Kims barely capable of hanging onto their clothing. Alas, the world has gone crazy and neither of those things happened (at least on camera).

So to pass the time, I started jotting down my immediate reactions to many of the “celebrities” and fame junkies as they hit the stage (some of them quite literally). And here they are for you, with obvious ones such as “Why isn’t Justin Timberlake my boyfriend?” extracted:

1. No one told me James Blunt was British. How did I not know this?
2. Lil' Kim? This bears repeating: If we can’t see your boobs then we are not interested.
3. What was up with the ersatz pirate ensemble on that guy from Outkast? Billowy white button-down and skinny jeans tucked into knee-high red leather boots? I think not.
4. The Rock should either go bald or spiky. The slicked back look just makes him seem greasy. And kind of smarmy, too. Not a good combo.
5. I’ve figured it out: Shakira is boneless. Her hips have been lying to us all this time.
6. One of these three things is happening: 1) L.L. and 50 are perpetually hammered; 2) I am perpetually hammered; or 3) we don’t even speak the same language anymore. Because I caught 0% of what they just said.
7. Nelly Furtado completely gave up her actual singing talent in favor of slinking around stage half-dressed and half-whispering. Sad times for The Feminist Movement.
8. Lil' Jon’s done lost his damn mind. Even more. He's still quite crunk, though.
9. Did one of Luda’s dancers just fall down during the routine? (Upon further inspection: Oh yeah. Yeah, she did. Right in the front, too.)
10. Jessica Simpson may have actually had laryngitis. And she’s also still dead from the neck up.
11. Chris Brown is gh-h-h-h-h-h-hetto.
12. God love you, OK GO. God love you and bless you and your freakishly hot white boy rhythm. And your treadmills.
13. Are Shaun White and Carrot Top actually the same person? Think about it – have you ever seen them in the same place?
14. Someone please stop Paris Hilton. Just stop her. Or give her a large cocktail. Either way.
15. Hi, John Norris? Hang it up, ho. It’s over. You look ridiculous.
16. T.I. looks like a golfer. That ain’t street.
17. Shouldn’t Abigail Breslin be able to read already? She stumbled over the word “avenged.” This saddens me.
18. Christ, the Federlines are trash-tastic. And not in the good, Kayne-from-Project-Runway way. Just trashy.
19. SHUT UP, MISSY. I, my friend, can stand the rain.
20. My DVR elected not to record the final thirty minutes of the show. Thank God. Apparently, it was bored out of its mind, too.