Womp Womp

The dating scene in this town is a black hole and it's making a colossal sucking sound as it collapses in on itself.

Just wanted to get that out of the way.

But really. Something has happened to the men, and I really hope that it’s geographical and not developmental. They have turned into geishas – sitting coyly on barstools and smiling from behind their lashes while the women have been forced to become the necessary aggressors for the betterment of the human species.

And the bounty isn’t even worth it. Take a gander at some of the gems I’ve run across in the past few months. Names have been removed to protect the appalling:

Suitor #1 – Late 20s, worked in human resources. Meh. Just … kind of meh. On our first date he brought two different cell phones, saying one belonged to a … friend. That’s … weird. Also turns out that every girlfriend he’s ever had has gotten custody of his dog in the breakup. Not their dog, mind you. His dog (read: pushover). Things sputtered sluggishly to a lackluster stop after only a few mind-numbing dates.

Suitor #2 – Oy. I don’t even have the strength.

Suitor #3 – Early 20s, very cute. First presented himself to be an artist aspiring to become a physicist. Was regrettably revealed to be a stoner house painter aspiring to obtain an electrician’s degree from community college. That’s … not even close to the same thing. Also lived in his parents’ basement. Called me almost daily for three weeks after our first and only date (that I cut mercifully short with the help of a wing-gal). My theory is that after every phone call, the one responsible brain cell was smoked into oblivion, leaving his impaired compatriots to look at each other in a haze and question, “Dude. When was the last time we called Kathrin?”

Suitor #4 – Early 30s, also very cute, funny, smart, and had a great job. Looked good on paper. Also called nonstop, completely wigging me out and making me glad I never gave him a last name so as to facilitate his obvious stalker tendencies. When he tried to strong-arm me into a date over text message, I had to tell him that he’d come on way too strong and was kind of creepy. That one never even got out of the gate, and if you see him, please don't give him my address.

Suitor #5 – Late 20s, cute, good job, blah blah blah. He called. I called. After a week he called again. After another week I called again. After another two weeks he called again. I never called again.

BOOOOOOOOO. It’s time to move.