Don't You DARE Bring Any Eye Cream

We all know that air travel has become an increasingly annoying adventure in recent years. And well, I can understand why, what with all the loony bins hanging about, hatin’ on America and our freedom-loving, debaucherous ways. Jealous much?

Anyhoo, in planning for an upcoming vacation involving climbing aboard one a them ther’ flyin’ machines, I had a need to check the Transportation Security Administration’s website to make sure I didn’t bring any contraband onboard. You know, anything wacky like perfume or scrunch spray.

And lo and behold, the TSA, God bless them, have listed for us the unintentionally hilarious dos and don’ts of air travel. I have provided said list below for you, to help you steer clear of any packing calamities that might otherwise befall you. The following items are permitted:

Baby formula and breast milk if a baby or small child is traveling
(However, if you’ve decided to leave little Johnny at home with Grandma for your weekend rendezvous, then I’m afraid you must leave your Breast Milk Smoothie at home.)

All prescription and over-the-counter medications (liquids, gels, and aerosols) including KY jelly, eye drops, and saline solution for medical purposes
(If we are to assume that the examples are listed in order of importance [as things often are in list form], then why, God, why is KY Jelly first? WHY?)

Liquids including water, juice, or liquid nutrition or gels for passengers with a disability or medical condition
(I will leave this one alone, as I do have a heart, albeit a tiny, shriveled, blackened one.)

Life-support and life-sustaining liquids such as bone marrow, blood products, and transplant organs
(No Breast Milk Smoothie for you, Mom and Dad, but you may bring a cooler full of delicious, delicious kidneys. Vampires, your feedbags of blood are also acceptable.)

Items used to augment the body for medical or cosmetic reasons such as mastectomy products, prosthetic breasts, bras or shells containing gels, saline solution, or other liquids
(Climb aboard, Anna Nicole! You don’t need to check your plastic funbags at the gate anymore!! And help Lohan with her suitcase – it’s weighing her down.)

Gels or frozen liquids needed to cool disability or medically related items used by persons with disabilities or medical conditions
(I must be running out of steam, because I had to read this one four times before I understood it. In the wake of my confusion, I had a whole hilarious paragraph written about what kind of medical condition would require you to tote cooling gel packs with you at all times, but now it will never see the light of day. And the world collectively weeps one single, salty tear.)

Happy travels, y’all!