Put Down that Mars Bar and Walk Away Slowly ...

Damn you, Halloween! Damn you!!!!

I am on a rampage, people. A hyped-up, sugar-filled, kid-style rampage.

I. Can’t. Stop. Consuming. Sugar.

Can’t stop. Here’s why:

1. I recently returned from an international food and wine festival during which my days and nights were spent … wait for it … yes, eating and drinking! Heavens, but you are bright as a new penny. Whilst there over a period of four days, I sampled a macadamia nut tartlet from Australia, Italian chocolate truffles complemented by Moet & Chandon champagne, good ol’ American blackberry cobbler, coconut rice pudding from India, baklava (both of the pistachio AND walnut varieties), and more custards, brulees and cakes than you can shake a stick at.

2. My birthday was a week ago. After all the cake, ice cream, brownies, and cheesecake squares, my pancreas is in crash-mode 24/7.

3. IT’S FRIGGIN’ HALLOWEEN! The office is filled with cupcakes, Kisses, candy bars, and cookies, not to mention the massive metal bowl of Almond Joys and Twix (Twixs? Twixes? Whatever.) at my house, untouched by trick-or-treaters but VERY touched by me.

This is all just cruel, really.

At my desk right this very moment, I have fudge, two different kinds of cookies, and Ghirardelli brownies. I’m going to turn myself into a diabetic as I rapidly OD on sugar and slowly drive myself mad. Is that possible? If not, then I may be a medical marvel here, guys.

But the best news? I haven’t gained a pound! How joyous. Or that means I have a tapeworm. I think I shall name him Henry.

Well-played, Henry the Tapeworm. Well-played, indeed.