Bringing Buckets of Rain and Bad Moods

The sky is belching forth untold quantities of rain, and our overstuffed drains have stopped up completely. The parking lot at work is six inches underwater in some spots, and hot orange leaves battered from the treetops are swirling about madly in a frenetic race to see who can first get stuck in, on, and/or under unfortunate pedestrians’ shoes.

The power blew just a few minutes ago, and everyone on my team (and in the surrounding area) was treated to a joyous surprise when each of our computers began emitting an ear-piercing warning whine signifying that we were running on battery backup, or as I like to call it, their final shrieks in the throes of death.

This lively storm also ensures that our fair city will be thrown into a weather-related tailspin. When the first drop of rain, flake of snow, or 15 MPH gust hits town, residents immediately panic and begin crashing their cars into one another and flooding the grocery stores to stock up on peanut butter, tuna fish, and pork ‘n’ beans.

To cheer us all up, here’s a picture of a cat who appears to be having a much worse day than us.

Oh, That's Just Not Right

Working at Macy's.

At the MAC counter.

Lady with a femullet.

Down to her waist.

Braided.

Restrained with ... a plaid scrunchie.

Honestly. That's like me working for the Republican National Committee or WWE Raw.

The South is beginning to sadden me.

More from The Gallery of the Absurd and More-or-Less Useless

Animal gauze masks!

Who knew infectious diseases could be filled with such whimsy?



This is exactly what you want to see as the laughing gas starts to take effect - your dentist leaning over you and strapping on an ape snout or perhaps a pig muzzle. They should change the instructions from "Count backwards from 20" to "Scream unintelligibly until you lose consciousness."

I suppose something had to be done to make SARS more droll.

My favorite part is that the site notes the five types of styles "currently" available, thereby leaving the door open for more design versions of mask-related hilarity. Might I suggest "Great White Shark," "Venomous Tarantula," and "Subway Rapist."

I'm Gonna Need That by EOD

So, my team has a task board at work where we can track the status of all of our projects. And by that I mean we can track who to blame for holding onto the folder for too long and subsequently delaying the deployment of the campaign.

It’s an extremely scientific approach, involving color-coded squares of construction paper, masking tape, and pushpins. Clear pushpins. Oh yeah, people. It’s like The Matrix over here.

Sadly, during this time of year, the projects are all approved and the task board is woefully naked, save for a few hangers-on. And so, in a fifteen-minute spurt of downtime, my friend Meredith and I decided to spruce up the board and create new tasks for everyone. Some of the more inspired ones are as follows:

- Pump up the jam; pump it up.
- Drop it like, drop it like, drop it like it’s hot.
- Count the chickens before they hatch.
- Burn the pork chop sandwiches.
- Restock olive oil supply.
- Smile sweetly; don’t judge.
- Don skin suit.
- It rubs the lotion on its skin…
- …or else it gets the hose again.

No one has yet gotten a move on toward completing these tasks, and I’m fully prepared to start handing out pink slips. Bunch of slackers.

And the Award for the Oddest Note Ever Taped to a Bottle of Black Cherry Soda Goes to ...

G,

I'm thinking this might be too sweet for me. I don't have a disease, but I've never craved sugar.

I don't want this to go to waste.

With thanks for your generosity,
L

12 Things I Saw at the Urbanna Oyster Festival Last Weekend

1. Six pairs of black leather assless chaps (thankfully worn over jeans)

2. Three femullets

3. A Pomeranian in a Snugli

4. A pug in a Snugli

5. A Bichon Frise in a baby carriage

6. A Shih Tzu in a baby carriage

7. A deep-fried seafood fritter approximately the size of a baby’s head (I saw said fritter immediately before I ate it)

8. A place where time has been standing still since 1987 (also known as Shucker’s Restaurant & Raw Bar)

9. The most inappropriate parade float in God’s creation (also known as the Shriners' Helping Crippled Children float, complete with a life-sized papier mache little girl in a wheelchair bolted to the back of a pick-up truck)

10. A gun made of PVC piping that was designed with the sole intent of shooting out mini-marshmallows (I'm not sure why)

11. A bartender whose gender was utterly indeterminable

12. My boss

Oh, the Horror

I wandered into my office's kitchen this morning to refresh my delicious cup of joe (striding purposefully past the bowl of M&Ms without a second glance), and then my eyeballs were forcibly assaulted.

As is usual on Monday mornings, The Vending Machine Man was busily stocking our sugary treats and tooth-boring sodas. However, on this fine morn, we had a different gentleman slamming around in there.

Six feet tall.

White guy.

Sides of head buzzed down to the skin.

Elbow-length blonde cornrows.

Seriously, guys, I could see his pasty, shiny little scalp glinting at me through the braids.

I think I’ll be avoiding the vending machines for awhile. I don’t like the thought of that hair-tastrophe swinging anywhere near my Doritos.

Shudder.

But I suppose it could have been worse. At least there weren't plastic beads dangling from the ends, a la Ocean City boardwalk-style.

The Joys of Travel: Part the Second

As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, flying is not my favorite thing to do.

I have this weird superstition that reading the safety card each and every time I board a plane keeps the winged beast in the air. I also prefer the aisle seat so that A) I don’t have to obsessively look out the window to make sure I don’t see any smoke and the wings are still attached; and B) I can deftly leap from my seat if need be, kicking other passengers in the face on my way to the nearest emergency exit.

But it’s extremely hard to maintain a 47 on the Panic Scale of 1 to 10 for more than thirty minutes or so; otherwise, you run the risk of bringing on an embolism.

Therefore, I have had to come up with other ways to entertain myself on flights, ways in which I can simultaneously lower my blood pressure and amuse myself to the point of forgetting that I’m hovering thousands and thousands of feet above what are almost certainly shark-infested waters.

I invite you to try some of these on your next domestic or international flight – they really help pass the time, let me tell you:

- Write “Yes yes, y’all” on one side of your barf bag, and “To the beat, y’all” on the other side. I figure if I do this on enough airplanes, I’ll eventually run across one of them on a later flight.

- Draw speech bubbles onto the safety card. Here's a chance to be creative. Some of my favorites include "This sh*t is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!!" and "Where the cheese go?"

- Edit your SkyMall like it’s your personal Christmas list. Circle items and add notes like “Katie TOTALLY needs one for Mr. Nibbles” or “Buy this for Evan to replace the one you sat on last Easter.”

- Leave little notes for the person who next sits in your seat. You’ll have to be creative in where you wedge them, because they clean the planes pretty thoroughly between flights. I suggest things like “I think the flight attendant spit in my Sprite” and “The seat smells like brownies. No, really, it does.”

- Stare unblinkingly at your fellow passengers while trying to perfect your powers of telepathy. “Turn the page in your book … turn the page in your book … turn the” – this is usually about when you get caught.

So in sum, the next time you’re on a plane, take a look at your barf bag. If it bears my rap markings, then perhaps I just recently vacated that seat you are now occupying. And yes, those probably are my claw marks on the armrests (it was a rough landing).

Put Down that Mars Bar and Walk Away Slowly ...

Damn you, Halloween! Damn you!!!!

I am on a rampage, people. A hyped-up, sugar-filled, kid-style rampage.

I. Can’t. Stop. Consuming. Sugar.

Can’t stop. Here’s why:

1. I recently returned from an international food and wine festival during which my days and nights were spent … wait for it … yes, eating and drinking! Heavens, but you are bright as a new penny. Whilst there over a period of four days, I sampled a macadamia nut tartlet from Australia, Italian chocolate truffles complemented by Moet & Chandon champagne, good ol’ American blackberry cobbler, coconut rice pudding from India, baklava (both of the pistachio AND walnut varieties), and more custards, brulees and cakes than you can shake a stick at.

2. My birthday was a week ago. After all the cake, ice cream, brownies, and cheesecake squares, my pancreas is in crash-mode 24/7.

3. IT’S FRIGGIN’ HALLOWEEN! The office is filled with cupcakes, Kisses, candy bars, and cookies, not to mention the massive metal bowl of Almond Joys and Twix (Twixs? Twixes? Whatever.) at my house, untouched by trick-or-treaters but VERY touched by me.

This is all just cruel, really.

At my desk right this very moment, I have fudge, two different kinds of cookies, and Ghirardelli brownies. I’m going to turn myself into a diabetic as I rapidly OD on sugar and slowly drive myself mad. Is that possible? If not, then I may be a medical marvel here, guys.

But the best news? I haven’t gained a pound! How joyous. Or that means I have a tapeworm. I think I shall name him Henry.

Well-played, Henry the Tapeworm. Well-played, indeed.